I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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