so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Randomize
