I'm so fucking centered right now
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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