someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
you traded sex for a burrito?
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
