i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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