The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
