her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Randomize
