Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
