His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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