Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Is it penis luge time yet?
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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