Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
