I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
