I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
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