Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
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