I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
