i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
