I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
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