I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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