I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
