3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
