Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
The adults are the big ones right?
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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