I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
