my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
