I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
