Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
