my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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