He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Someone came in the potted fern
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
