My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
