FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
