Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
