I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
