you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Randomize
