you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
