If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
His hands were made for my vagina.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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