Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
