you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
