I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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