No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
