He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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