Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
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