his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
