i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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