Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
Randomize
