just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
