I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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