Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
there is glitter all over my balls
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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