If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
