Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
