meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
