Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Randomize
