I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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